Microsoft Buys Church Joke

Microsoft Buys Church Joke


MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.”We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.”Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, “we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time” and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.” A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,” the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained.The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.”The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.”But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a rep**ation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach “the four corners of the earth,” echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of “a computer on every desktop and in every home”.Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” said Gates.The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly compet**ive religious market.

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Health Benefits of Laughter

You may have heard that laughter is the best medicine. However, have you ever thought about it or not? Well, laughing and smiling are infectious. Looking at someone and exchanging a smile can make you reciprocate naturally, despite having a rough day. While only a few people out there know the fact that laughter is good for your health. It doesn't only make you feel good but can be a good cure for the blues.

Top 10 health benefits of laughter

To bring more laughter into your life, let's have a look at the key health benefits of laughter below.

1. Tone muscles and burn calories

Healthy laughter can help in burning calories. Even more, laughter also acts as a cheat sheet when it comes to getting a toned stomach. Most importantly, laughing for 10 to 15 minutes can let you burn up to 40 calories. It means watching a 90-minute comic movie can help you to burn up to 240 calories with ease.

2. Reduce anxiety and depression

Laughter can let you relax your entire body. Even more, it can bring tons of benefits to your mental health as well. A good laughter time will not only let you have some joy, but it can also let you relive the feelings of stress, fear, and depression effectively. Laughing can also improve your mood and bring optimistic, positive feelings with ease.

3. Let you sleep sound

Is the last show you watched before sleep is from a comic genre? Then, you have higher chances of getting a peaceful sleep. It is because laughter's good bout before sleeping can reduce anxiety. It can also relax your muscles and help you to have a better sleep quality with ease. It is important after spending a long and hectic day.

4. Improve blood circulation and flow

University of Maryland researchers have found that laughter can improve your blood vessels' health. It can boost their function and cause your blood vessels to expand and dilate. This situation will play a vital role in improving your blood flow and circulation effectively. So, overall, laughter is important to maintain the best level of endothelium.

5. Boost immune system

Laughter can increase antibody-producing cells in your body. It can also enhance T-cells' effectiveness. Consequently, this will reduce the risks of getting cough and the common cold. As it can help improve the immune system, the strong immune system will ultimately keep the infections and allergies at bay. Even more, laughter can reduce negative thoughts that can impact your immune system. Due to this, a happier person is capable of fighting diseases more than others. It is because he is always in the right mind frame, and his immune system will be in a stress-free zone. Consequently, it will improve your overall health.

6. Enhanced respiration

Have you felt a sense of relief and relaxation after laughter? It is because laughing involves deep exhalation. It will, in return, lower your blood pressure and lead you to a calmer state. Like deep breathing, laughing can also offer you a cleansing effect that is beneficial for respiratory ailments.

7. Ease physical pain

Have you ever thought about how laughter can aid in easing your pain? Well, when you laugh, your muscles move. This muscle movement will expand your blood vessels and send more blood to parts of your body. Even more, the breathing rate also increases and oxygen level in your blood, therefore. So, healthy laughter is always the best way to ease pain naturally and effortlessly.

8. Improve memory recall

Scientists at the Loma Linda University have found that laughter can improve learning and memory. It can also reduce cortisol levels as well in your body. Cortisol is a stress hormone that can impact your mind and body negatively. However, laughter can counteract these effects with ease.

9. Protect your heart health

A good laugh can do wonders to improve blood circulation and flow in your body. Even more, it impacts oxygenation as well positively. Also, laughing can boost your heart rate and oxygen consumption immediately and effortlessly. Consequently, this can help in reducing cardiovascular diseases, improving heart health and respiration system.

10. Work as a stress buster.

With every laugh, your face features send a signal to the brain. This signal will help in relieving the endorphins. It will act as a pain killer, reduce stress, and make you feel happy.

Overall, laughter therapy is highly effective in enjoying various health benefits in life. Make sure to have it daily.