I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, "Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?"
So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually ...
I was in a really loud nightclub last night when a gorgeous girl came up to me and shouted what sounded like, "Do you fancy Afuq?"
I leant over and, with my mouth to her ear said, "I doubt it, with a ...
The girlfriend asked me " how many women have you slept with"?
I said " I won't give you the number but I can count them all on one hand."
"Brilliant" she said.
And under my breath I counted 5,10,15,2...
Doctor: Whats wrong with your brother?
Boy: He thinks hes a chicken.
Doctor: Really? How long has he thought this?
Boy: Three years.
Doctor: Three years?!?
Boy: We would have brought him in sooner, bu...
I went for a job interview earlier today, and the interviewer asked me to name 5 weaknesses. I told him:
I find it difficult to lead a large team.
Hard to work under pressure.
I rush to finish my work...
I went into hospital today to have bits of my hand reattached after cutting them off in an accident.
When I arrived in theatre I asked the surgeon how confident he was that he could restore it to its ...
I took my first serious girlfriend on a caravan camping trip to Devon last week, we found this really nice spot in a field near the beach.
After a long journey, we both went and sat on the bed.
"I lo...
Never follow a friends advice.
"Go to Subway for dinner, It's expensive but it's lovely!"
So I did, and my friend was half right, It was expensive. But after 3 hours of riding around on trains I was s...
My wife has just sent 6000 on a new motorcycle for me as a suprise gift.I was speechless so I rushed off to the shops straight away and bought her a lovely new steam iron.You can't do enough for a goo...
"I think it's time to stop playing catch with our daughter and come in for dinner," said my wife.
"Why? I thought you said I should spend more time with her," I asked.
"I did. But you keep dropping he...
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