What do you call an unemployed jester? … Nobody’s fool.Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at.Why politicians don’t enjoy the game of golf — Because for them, it’s too much like their work — you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.Feminist’s lament: “I think, therefore I am single.”Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: “Push … Push …Push!”Sign in a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: “Reserved for plant manager.”Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “Please do not disturb further.”Sign in a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scornto smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?Never face facts; if you do, you’ll never get up in the morning.Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? … Make me one with everything.What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? … WET rocks.Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as we’ve already gone.Personals Ad: “Financially Unstable Man – I owe everyone money. If you’re not one of my creditor, I’d like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99.”Personals Ad: “Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67.”Sign in a cafeteria: “S***s are required to eat in the cafeteria.” (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): “Socks can eat anyplace they want.”Sign in a restaurant window: “T-bone: 99 Cents.” (Then, in fine print underneath: “With meat: $14.95”).A hardware store has a sign that reads: “Today’s special. (Then, below it,in pencil): “So’s tomorrow.”Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: “Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”Chinese proverb: “If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum.”How can there be self-help “groups”?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?Is there another word for synonym?Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Tag: Miscellaneous Jokes