Took my 3 year old son into work with me at the royal mail sorting office, you should have seen him throwing parcels around, jumping up and down on them, they offered him a guaranteed job as soon as he turns 16....
As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, " What you doing? Stop it!"
I said, " I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it."
She said," He didn't. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria charity."
I said," Exactly. Drink and drugs!."...
I walked up to a tramp today and said, "If you answer this question correctly, you will be in with a chance of winning one million pounds. Would you like to try?"
His eyes lit up, "Yes please!"
I said, "Right then. What is 50p + 50p?"
He screamed, "One Pound!"
So I give him one and told him to go bu...
Express and Star:
"The national jobless total jumped by 27,000 in three months
However, in Kidderminster there were a slight fall of 3.8 percent..."
Judging by that grammar its going to be 27,001 soon......
A man decides to join the circus.The ringmaster agrees to watch his act in the big top to see if he is suitable.
The man climbs a tall tower and jumps off flapping his arms wildly.After a few seconds his fall slows and he soars forward,swoops up,turns and stops in mid air then gently glides to the g...
I spend hours trying to get to sleep on aeroplanes in those stupid, uncomfortable seats.
I finally get drunk and drift off and the next thing I know I've got the air hostess waking me up, wanting me to make a stupid announcement and land the plane....
I arrived late to work in the kitchens earlier. I hung up my coat and put the herbs I'd bought on the table.
'What time do you call this?' the head chef asked, looking from me to the herbs.
'Well I've got common, lemon and golden.'...
Want to be an internet legend? Take loads of laxitives then go through the airport with 2 cases looking really nervous. When security say, "Excuse me sir, I'm afraid we're going to have to perform a full cavity search" simply reply, "ok, but for legal reasons, can my mate film it...?"...
BBC News: "A Polish man living in Germany spent five years with a bullet in the back of his head having forgotten he was shot because he was drunk when it happened."
Now I've had some forgetful nights... but being shot in the head! I don't care what you say about those Poles, they sure know how to d...
The other day my mate remarked, "Oh yeah, as if you'll ever post a funny joke on Sickipedia."
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," I told him.
"No," he replied, "Imitation is the lowest form of wit."
"No," I replied, "Imitation is the lowest form of wit."...
