I saw this bloke heading south on the M1 thumbing a lift.
So I pulled over and said 'alright mate, where you heading?.'
London he said.
I said 'well carry on down this road you can't miss it, and drove off....
My mother would always say that she envisioned that I would grow up to be a famous actor, receiving awards and recognition all the time.
Not long later, I shouted proudly - "This is for you mum!"
As I gave her the Big Mac Meal from behind the counter at McDonalds....
I saw a teenager injecting himself with something suspicious the other day.
As I was a certified police officer - I went up to the boy, took the syringe away from him and threw him against the bonnet of my car.
"We have a name for people like you," I jeered.
"What is it, diabetic?" He asked....
Just lost my job as a maintenance engineer for JCB. My manager said I was completely incompetent and struggled to maintain anything since the day I started.
Apparently maintaining an erection for eight hours on 'bring your kids to work' day doesn't count....
For some reason I can't get hired. I work as a kid's entertainer playing music at parties but several customers think my act is inappropriate so I have turned to the internet to see if anyone wants to book me for their son/daughter's party.
Anyway, if you wish to get in contact with me my stage name...
My housework-challenged husband wanted to wash his sweatshirt. He shouted to me "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"What does it say on your shirt?" I called back.
He yelled "University of Cambridge."...
A man arrives at Accident & Emergency with a knife sticking out of his chest and staggers to the nearest doctor:
"Doctor! Please help me!"
"Sorry," says the doctor. "My shift has just ended."
"But doctor, you have to help me!"
The doctor suddenly pulls the knife out of the man's chest and stabs it i...
My new job would be going well if not for the friction developing between me and and my co-workers, due to the fact of me refusing to costantly make the coffee.
Still, I'd quite like to keep the job at Starbucks as it pay's pretty good....
A Photon walked into a hotel today, he went to the counter and asked for a room - the hotelier replied 'certainly sir, do you want me to take your bags?' The photon replied 'No thanks... I'm travelling light'...
Me and my girlfriend had a huge fight last night which ended up with her saying 'You're dead to me'.
So I ran at her at top speed and knocked her to the floor.
Well if I was dead to her, I would be a ghost and would have gone straight through....
